“No matter how many fxcked up people I meet in my life, I will always have a good heart and no one will change that” When I read this quote, I thought to myself this is so true.
Everyone has new people who come into their life at different stages. We’ve all also had our fair share of people who have left. To me, it’s about how you deal with the loss of a friendship or relationship after it’s ended that is important. Do you become bitter and try to make their life hell? Or do you walk away in peace, wish them well and accept things just didn’t work out.
When you first initiate any friendship or relationship, most of the time, things hit off great. Especially, if you find that you have loads of things in common, you share the same opinions, you vibe and connect and everything is going smoothly – you find yourself thinking ‘wow where have you been all my life’. You suddenly start building up all this trust, spending time with them, talking to them and develop a strong liking towards this person. They start to take up a position in your life and before you know it a friendship or relationship is established.
However, things aren’t always happy families. Some friendships and relationships just don’t last, and over time you discover you just weren’t quite compatible. It could be something you discovered about the other person that they did, or something you did. It could be that they’ve shown you a side of them that you weren’t fond of, or they could of betrayed your trust and loyalty – the list is endless. But to me, I’ve learnt that although it is important to figure out why things went wrong, it’s also important to deal with the loss in the least harmful way to you, as possible.
When relationships go wrong, we find that we blame the other person for making you feel hurt and upset, and you blame them for why things went wrong. And yes if they were actually in the wrong then by default they are responsible. But when that blame becomes malicious and bitter, and you start hurling insults at one another, you start wishing bad on the person and holding a grudge, the question is who is it really harming?
Now I know it’s not easy to be nice in a bad situation, by nature you want to lash out at the other person and not let them ‘get away with it’, whatever it is they’ve done. You may feel angry that they’ve wasted time, energy and effort that you can never get back. And that’s my point. You can never get it back. So why harbour all that hate and resentment for someone who quite frankly doesn’t care or doesn’t share the same principles as you. Forgiveness is a process and a lengthy one at that, but letting go of hurt and upset someone else has caused can only benefit you. It’s honestly better to avoid the insults, negative energy and bitter interactions.
Some of you might be thinking, especially those who know me personally, do you even do that yourself? And the honest answer is I am trying, and I am getting better at it after every heartbreak and that includes both relationships and friendships. I have had my fair share of breakups in both contexts in my life and each time I get better at preserving this good and clean heart when dealing with it. I’m not a perfect person and yes I’ve lashed out and have been bitter in the past but it’s not something I’m proud of.
I try to tell myself that ‘there’s no need for the bitterness and hostility Amy, just accept it’s the end and let it go’. Wishing bad on someone or insulting someone doesn’t change the situation, it just prolongs the period in which you get over it. It is so important to not let a bad situation damage you or tarnish your character. Don’t let that boy/girl or friend who broke your heart turn you into a mistrusting, bitter and cold person. Keep that warm, caring and good heart because there are people in your life who won’t take advantage of it and will appreciate it.
In my experiences, although I do shut off for a while and need time to pick myself back up after a bad situation, the end game is that I come out of it the same kind hearted person. The only thing that has changed is that I’ve learnt a new lesson, I’m going to work on being a better judge of character and maybe not be too trusting so quickly – which is not the same as not trusting at all.
One quality about me is that I have a very giving nature, I like to give, whether it be emotionally or materially. I like spoiling people (sometimes too much) because someone else’s happiness often fuelled mine, which I don’t really know is a good or bad thing if I’m being honest. Unfortunately, I have had people come into my life and take advantage of that and I was blind to it. Sometimes I thought to myself should I change this about me, but despite how many ‘breakups’ I’ve had, my character remains the same. I learnt that it’s not about changing this quality, it’s more about being careful who I give it you.
There’s no procedure manual on how to deal with breakups. It’s not easy to just stay calm, collected and walk away from a situation. Sometimes you want answers and explanations, and you look for this thing called ‘closure’ (this is another discussion I will get into in a separate blog post), but that doesn’t have to be an aggressive and spiteful conversation. It can be a civil and adult one, where you both speak about it and if you both decide there’s nothing to left to salvage, you both go your separate ways, no hostility or bad vibes and you just simply exit eachother’s lives and never look back.
This is also a process that you can’t rush, losing someone in your life is a grieving process. You have to fully come to terms with it and accept that person is no longer going to be around. It’s okay to take your time. But like I say, it’s about keeping that good heart and staying positive. Focus on the people who do make you happy and care for you. Focus on your goals and career. Life is too short to dwell on bad situations.
I know I’ve spoken about this from the perspective of being ‘wronged‘, but I look to explore the other side too in another blog post, where you are the one in the wrong, because sometimes relationships and friendships might end because of you, and it’s about accountability and responsibility that will make you a better person.
My personal opinion is that good hearts always win. If you wish well upon others, blessings will come your way. I don’t believe it’s my place to ‘teach‘ a lesson to anyone that has wronged me, I leave that to life, which works in mysterious ways. If someone is out of your life see it as a blessing not a loss. See it as they weren’t meant to be there and what they do and where they go is no longer your problem.
Wish them well, tell them to ‘take care‘ and all that jazz and get on with your life!
Again, I stress, it is not an easy process but it’s definately doable and as cliche as it sounds – time is the best healer.
Please feel free to share your thoughts with me in the comments below!