In my previous post I mentioned this thing called closure, that I (and probably many others) often seek after a break up. Recently I’ve been thinking to myself: Is it something that I actually need to move on? Can I close that book without finding out what happens at the end? These thoughts also sparked another question: What if I never get it?
Let’s go back to the dictionary definition of closure: Closure or need for closure (NFC) are psychological terms that describe an individual’s desire for a firm answer to a question and an aversion toward ambiguity. The term “need” denotes a motivated tendency to seek out information. (Wikipedia)
And THAT is exactly what many people, including myself, tend to do at the end of a breakup. You feel like you need answers, you need to know why, you need reasons and without those answers you just can’t seem to move on. Sometimes when a situation/relationship/friendship comes to an end, it may have nothing to do with you or what you’ve done. Self-blame is the natural instinct for me and probably many others. Is it something I’ve done? A majority of the time, it probably wasn’t. It could be something the person has done, they might of had a change of heart, met someone else, and want something different but automatically you blame yourself and think the reason is because of you.
Then you begin this hunt for answers and reasons because the signs are not enough. The gradual distance, unreliabilty, inconsistency wasn’t enough to convince you that what you had is over. You feel like you ‘need’ to hear it from them even though all the signs and answers are already in front of you. You seek this unknown ‘truth’ because you feel like information is being hidden from you. You feel like you’ve done everything you can to make that person happy, you held them down, you supported them but can’t understand why they want to throw it all away.
But this is the reality of many situations which I so painfully had to admit to myself sometimes: ‘he just doesn’t want to be with you’, and I’ve come to realise that it’s not my fault. I can’t be everyone’s cup of tea. If a man doesn’t feel it, doesn’t want what I want, doesn’t want to take me serious, doesn’t love me and appreciate me, that is not my fault. I just needed to accept that he wasn’t right for me.
Digging for answers and reasons when the other person doesn’t seem like they want to have that conversation will not change the fact that situation has ended, it will not change the fact that this person didn’t appreciate you and give you what you deserve. Is it really closure you’re looking for or is it hope that they will come back and change. The question is why do you need answers when it is clear from their actions that they don’t mind walking away and losing you.
If I’m being honest with myself a part of me always looked for closure because I couldn’t let the person go, it was probably just an excuse to remain in contact with them. At times I felt like it was hard for me to accept that I wasn’t wanted and naturally it made me feel unworthy. Like I wasn’t enough. So I looked for ‘closure‘ because I wanted to hear a different reason for why the situation ended and was partly in denial.
The easy cop out excuse that many people tend to give you are: ‘I have a lot on my plate’ ‘I’m not ready for a relationship’ ‘It’s not you it’s me’. (I know we’ve all heard these excuses many times). The truth is they didn’t want a relationship with you. All the other nonsense excuses is to hide this harsh reality that some are so scared to admit because they don’t want to hurt you even more. In reality it makes it harder for you to move on because you believe they will come back when they’re ready, but the truth is they’re not coming back.
Looking for and ‘needing‘ closure is allowing someone else to dictate and influence your happiness.
Don’t give someone else that power.
Move on and let go.
You don’t need their validation, you don’t need their excuses, you don’t need them in your life.
You already know the truth, accept it for what it is and focus on becoming a better version of yourself. Most importantly learn to love yourself, don’t let someone else alter your character or turn you into a bitter and negative person. Once you make that decision to walk away on your own accord without depending on someone else to make that decision, you will flourish and shine even brighter. It might not seem like it but there are people who do and will appreciate you just exactly how you are.